Honouring Every Birth Story

Photo by Jimmy Conover

Over the years I've had the privilege of hearing many birth stories. Some unfolded broadly as hoped, others took unexpected turns. All of them have left me with a deep admiration for the women who experienced them.

This piece is dedicated to the women I teach, and to every woman who has experienced the extraordinary transformation of birth. Although birth happens every day, all over the world, for each woman who experiences it, it remains life-changing and deeply significant.

No two ways about it. Birth asks an enormous amount of us, physically and emotionally. Wherever and however it happens, women who give birth are incredible.

These are the women I have the privilege of teaching. I meet them when their bellies are growing, with their babies inside. They come to my hypnobirthing classes, often (not always) with their partners; a room of possibility and excitement mixed with vulnerability. 

I know they are all already rich with resources and resilience, but it’s normal for some to worry about their ability to give birth. That maybe they can’t be strong enough or calm enough. I should know, I felt it myself. A niggling inner voice saying: ‘Who are you to think you deserve a positive birth? You’re just an anxious person and control freak, you’ll never be able to let go or learn how to relax. What if you just can’t do this?’. 

These are the stories we sometimes carry about ourselves. They can shape how we approach labour, influence our confidence and add an extra layer of worry at a time when reassurance is needed most. They can also fill parenthood with guilt, worry and even shame too.

Together, we start to peel away these worries, making space for open, honest discussion alongside birth physiology education and the practical tools and techniques of hypnobirthing.

Through pregnancy and birth, many women come to see themselves differently. As they begin to question some of their fears and assumptions, many discover strengths and capabilities they hadn't fully appreciated before.

For many women, there is a sense of freedom in feeling able to make decisions that reflect their own values, circumstances and instincts, rather than feeling they must meet someone else's idea of what birth should look like.

Fast forward… their bump is now a baby. They tell me their birth story and every time, every single time, I find myself awed.

Whether their birth unfolded broadly as hoped, took unexpected turns, involved significant medical support, or left them with difficult feelings to process afterwards, I am always moved by the honesty with which they tell their stories. I am inspired by the love that surges through their words. 

There is a mind blowing myriad of emotions women describe experiencing in labour. Exhaustion one moment, energy the next. Despair followed by elation. Strength and vulnerability. These emotions are what make us human, but so rarely are they experienced with such intensity or in such a short space of time. Some are emotions we think we shouldn’t have, the secrets we cover up with smiles and insta-filters.

This is what I want to celebrate. The countless ways women meet the experience of birth. Their partners may be there to support them, and they do in incredible and invaluable ways, but the experience of giving birth is ultimately hers. Time stands still, the world blurs, her body and their baby is all that matters.

And then there they are. The baby who has been felt moving inside, wondered about and waited for. These heart-stoppingly beautiful little babies.

And when all is said and done, who knows; they might well have surprised themselves, in all sorts of unexpected ways. 

Here is an excerpt from one of the many birth stories I receive:

“It was extremely challenging getting out of the water. I was about 8cm dilated so moving into another room was really difficult but I remember looking at the sunset over the Thames (our room looked onto the river and Parliament) and feeling awed by the fact that the whole day had passed when time had stood still for me… I was shocked and awed when they put my baby on my chest, and despite the fact my whole body was throbbing I was just totally focused on her. The magnitude of what I'd been through was somehow cemented by holding this little creature."

Each time I read it, it’s no less miraculous. 

And while many women describe birth as one of the most empowering experiences of their lives, I also want to honour the women for whom birth doesn’t go to plan.

Sometimes this is because of their baby’s position or a medical issue and sometimes its because the system has let them down. This can leave them with much to process and recover from, physically, mentally and emotionally. Reinforcing why I teach, they tell me they don’t know how they would have coped without the hypnobirthing tools that helped them stay as calm as they could, connected with their partner, able to advocate for themselves. I am always so relieved to hear this, and I want them to know that they have done an incredible job navigating challenging circumstances, and that there is room for whatever feelings come up afterwards: relief, gratitude, anger, disappointment, grief, confusion, or several of these at once.

With support and loving care, they must do whatever they need to help with their recovery. This is a sensitive time when extra support can go a long way… when those qualities of kindness and self-compassion, that we spend time strengthening in pregnancy, really come into their own.

Women who have given birth have my utmost respect. I honour each and every one, however their birth has gone.